Emotions

As I tried to be release from the hospital, I had a talk with my doctor. He told me all the things I needed to do to take care of myself. He concluded by telling me to continue to take the Prozac and we would talk more about it at my six week appointment. I (knowing my body and emotions) decided to take another route. I stopped taking the anti depressants figuring that it was a hormonal issue because of the pregnancy. I asked Gentry to keep this in mind and let me know if he noticed my sliding. I also knew that I would have to self check on a regular basis in order to keep on it. After all, as bad as I felt I panic to think I might feel that way again. After a couple weeks I am doing great. I feel better than I did during the pregnancy and on medicine so I hope that I am back to "normal" (what ever that is).

Confession

It's time for me to come clean. I had a bit of a relapse with depression. Nothing big. We had been pretty busy in the evenings lately. Pulling out all the boxes of kid clothes we have, going through every one's drawer, then resorting everything for what fits. I have gone through all my baby girl clothes from size 0 to 1 year. Now everything is sorted for every three months and put together. It has led to more than a few late nights and I have gone to bed anxious for sleep. Thanksgiving came and went. We spent most of the weekend at my parents house in Draper. Then just busy preparation for Christmas. I have forgotten to take my medicine. Taking my medicine had just become part of the routine. I didn't really think about it much. I was feeling sluggish, but didn't think anything of it. Then one day every time I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror I would have some kind of negative internal voice. "You are getting so fat" "Even with make-up you look tired" "Your skin is looking worse than ever" "How much more stretching can your body handle?" "Sick!" on and on... til that night I was wondering why I was feeling that way. After all I had called my doctor and talked to him about how I was feeling a while ago. Wasn't that why I got a prescription? Wait a minute you mean the medicine sitting next to my sink doesn't help me unless I take it every night like it says on the side of the bottle? OH! I guess I will pay more attention to that from now on. I am doing better and now when I catch a glimpse of myself all I think is how ready I am to have this baby!

God is a God of Miracles

On Sunday I gave a short talk in church. I grew from preparing it and want to "live better and love more" so I thought I would share it.

God Is a God of Miracles
I just spent May, June, July, and half August in Chicago. So much has changed in the ward in that time. We have many new families and it is clear that time has passed. Since driving my pregnant self and four kids across the country I have gone through a lot. Gentry needed to stay behind and finish up his work for two more weeks while the boys started school. Then after just over a week of him being home we decided that it would be best for us if he went to Washington DC for the month to take advantage of a work opportunity. Leaving me home to take care of all that needed to be done here. During this time I started a spiral progression down, suffering from depression. I prayed for a miracle.
Today I am going to talk about miracles. What is a miracle? Raising the dead? Walking on water? Man flying? The birth of a baby? Flowers in the spring? A loaf of bread?
The Bible Dictionary defines Miracles in part like this: “Miracles are a response to faith, and its best encouragement. They were never wrought without prayer, felt need, and faith.”
Joseph Smith experienced a truly great miracle. At fourteen he was visited by God the father and his son Jesus Christ. As he shared this and other miracles with others he was met with skeptics and many “non-believers”. He responded as he was instructed in the scriptures. “He that seeketh signs shall see signs, but not unto salvation,” (D & C 63:7) “Faith cometh not by signs, but signs follow those that believe. … Wherefore, I, the Lord, am not pleased with those among you who have sought after signs and wonders for faith, and not for the good of men unto my glory.” (D&C 63:9–12.) Faith must proceed the miracle, not be the result of it. To some it may seem preposterous that we must believe first and then ask God if it be true.
The bible dictionary concludes its definition of Miracles like this: “Miracles are a part of the gospel of Jesus Christ. If miracles cease it is because faith has ceased.”
Since faith plays such a big part of this I turned to Alma 32 to help me define Faith: “Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; Ye cannot know of their surety at first… But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.”
As I prayed for a miracle of my own only a few months ago, I knew that my Heavenly Father was aware of me and I hoped that He would answer my prayer. Now that I am through it, I can look back and see that even while asking I was in the mist of just such a miracle. I was able to talk about my struggles. I had great support from many of you. Calls checking up on me, words of encouragement and advice, opportunities of service, dinner brought to me, a loaf of bread to lift my spirits. I took action and called my doctor, and was able to quickly find relief. In my own little world I experience a great miracle.
President Spencer W. Kimball taught us with a book by the title Faith Precedes the Miracle. But there is, of course, an increase of faith that should follow the miracle as well. As a result of the many miracles in our lives, we should be more humble and more grateful, more kind and more believing. When we are personal witnesses to these wonders which God performs, it should increase our respect and love for him; it should improve the way we behave. We will live better and love more if we will remember that. We are miracles in our own right, every one of us, and the resurrected Son of God is the greatest miracle of all. He is, indeed, the miracle of miracles, and every day of his life he gave evidence of it. We should try to follow after him in that example.
Moroni quotes his father in the Book of Mormon:
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven? … Has the day of miracles ceased?” (Moro. 7:27, 35)
“I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men. … [nor will they], so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved.” (Moro 7:29, 36)

God is a God of Miracles. They happen every single day. It is my prayer that we go to Him in times of need and then recognize Him in our lives. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

Hello me

My sister is texting me to update the blog. I have been a bit neglectful. So many little events in our life have been going on. Gentry is home! After a month of being in Wash, DC for work he got back to us and we were so glad. Everyone missed him. So we had a lot of catching up to do.

I look back on everything I have gone through in the past month and can see now how much I was blessed. Because Gentry was away I saw the signs of depression quickly and called the doctor right away. If he was here I think I would have just blamed the moodiness on pregnancy and made excuses to myself. I also had to get going everyday. If he was here, I would have pulled the covers over my head and had Gentry help get everyone ready and to school. I would not have eaten as well as I did because I would have made Gentry take care of food for the kids and just have gone hungry. I was the only parent here and I had to think about all that everyone else needed. Although that added to my stress, it gave me a purpose.

I am back to being me. About three days after my last post I found myself singing to the radio and loving the feel of the sun on my face. I caught myself and thought, "oh yeah, this is what it feels like to be me." I hadn't even realized the pieces that were missing until they were coming back. It is good to be back to myself. The head aches left about the same time the depression left. It is a blessing to be living in a day and age when I can take medication to feel like myself.

Things are Looking UP

I may just be feeling back to my self. I am tired all the time, feeling like my body is 60 and moody, but I am not crying at everything and nothing. Things must be getting better. Now I had better stop complaining and just get to getting the work done.
Gentry is going to be home in the next few days after a month of being away and we couldn't be looking foreword to that more. The kids and I have missed him terribly! Then I told him I need a few days of girl time. I want a few days away with something fun to do. Not too much to ask. Just a break from carpool, dishes, laundry, meals and whining (I don't even want to take my own). If anyone would like to get away, give me a call.

Emotional Update

A bunch of people are asking me how I am doing and I am not really sure. I haven't felt a big up take. Yesterday and the day before I was feeling like I had to drag myself around the whole day, but on a good note, I didn't cry once yesterday. I still have the head ache (please go away!) I don't have a surge of energy or feel like everything is great, but I don't know if I will. I am pregnant so my energy level is going to be a bit low. I am under plenty of stress, so of course I am going to continue to feel that too. I guess I don't know what the drugs are suppose to do for me. Not crying at everything was the goal, so maybe it is working. I think it had more to do with the fact that I didn't really go anywhere or talk to anyone so nothing set me off. But I still think it is a small success. Hopefully things keep getting better.

A Week with Stuff To Do

This week has gone by pretty slow but my schedule was pretty full. This is a blessing because I needed a reason to get going. Tuesday and Thursday morning I taught our little neighborhood preschool. Tuesday night I went VT-ing and then again Wednesday morning. I meet with some of the neighborhood gals Tuesday, Wednesday night I went to a movie viewing with a bunch of my book club girls. Thursday I made dinner for a ward member (thanks for your help and company Janette) and then since their was so much of it, I shared with a couple others. Friday I went to Pioneer Memorial Theater with my parents and grandma that is in town from Canada. And then today I visited with Jen, a friend I spent the summer with. I am so grateful for a week with things to do. If not, who knows if I would spend my days in my jammies and for everyone to end up eating cereal three times a day. Yuck! It is much better this way.
I haven't really seen an improvement in my mood since starting Prozac on Monday but I think it is suppose to take some time. I have had the dull head ache everyday since, but I am still not sure what to blame that on. I am sleeping better. I still cry very easily. I have made more of an effort with the kids. I try not to snap and I give then the attention they need even when I don't feel like it. I am just a lot more aware. Hopefully I see the effects kick in soon. I am ready.

My First Days on Prozac

I got a prescription for my hormones. Called Fluoxetine, it is the generic brand for Prozac. I picked this up on Monday afternoon and then after reading all the "literature" they sent me home with I decided I would take it just before I got into bed since I am suppose to take it at the same time everyday and the side effects often make you drowsy (or affect you adversely and make you wired). I have never taken any medication for anything except for antibiotics when I have some kind of infection or for pain just after having a baby. I didn't think I would have any hang ups about it. I guess I was wrong.
While standing at the sink filling up my glass I saw my reflection in the mirror and thought to myself, "how did I get here?" "do I really want to take this?" "are the side effects worth the benefits?" "how long will I have to be on medication?" "can't I just tough it out and do it without drugs?" The tears ran freely down my face and soaked my neck. I said a quick prayer for the strength to give myself relief. I knew my emotional response to the medication was directly related to my depression and so I turned from the mirror and took my first little blue and grey pill. It went down so easily I didn't even feel it in my trout. I turned out the light and got into bed. All night I tossed and turned. Waking every few hours wrestling with thoughts of how the medication could be changing me, how it could effect my baby. I woke in the morning neither feeling rested nor any more tired than I do normally. I tried to get done everything I would have liked to for the day and came up short as I do almost everyday now. I thought about the medication and talked about it with a couple friends. Then Tuesday night it came time to take the next one. I again cried while filling my glass with water but swallowed it right down. I slept better but not great. Both Tuesday and again today I have had a dull head ache. I don't know if it is a side effect to the medication, part of my pregnancy, or my lack of sleep but I cry because of that too.
It's so silly to cry over such small things. Which is exactly why I need this medication. I do not want to cry over every small little thing. I cry because my six year old tells me I am a mean mom, I cry because my mom calls and leaves me a message, I cry because my daughter asks for a snuggle and I don't have the strength to read a few books to her, I cry because my husband wants to go after talking to me on phone for a while, I cry because I seem to always be running late, I cry because my laundry feels as if it will never get caught up. I cry because I am not enough. I am going to continue taking the medication at least for two weeks. I want to stop crying and move into the light.

Give me drugs

My house is a mess.
I am emotionally unstable.
My kids all need baths.
I am stressed to the max.
When is this feeling going to end?

Either when I give birth or I get on medication.
I can't wait until birth so I am calling my Dr.

Here is to better days.

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

I had a really really hard day today.
So much is going on and I am feeling completely over whelmed.
Court's first day of school.
Tate's too. (I didn't know until we got there to drop Court off)
He said to me, "Mommy I am going to try and be brave" when I tell him he is going to kindergarten in two minutes.
I cried the whole drive home.
My yard needs so much work that even if I wasn't pregnant, I don't know how I could get it all done. Not to mention that I came home to a next door neighbor that put up a fence between our front yards. This is against the rules of our home owners association, and Gentry and I have had talk after talk with them about not wanting it to go in.
I worry about Gentry while I am away. I don't do anything special, but we need each other.
I am feeling a bit hopeless. I think the baby blues (during pregnancy) have hit.
I feel like there is nothing to look foreword too.
It brings to mind the hymn, "Where Can I Turn for Peace" and in it the answer. To the Lord.
I guess I had better get on my knees because I need to feel His love and support.
My hope is tomorrow is a good day for all.