This week has gone by pretty slow but my schedule was pretty full. This is a blessing because I needed a reason to get going. Tuesday and Thursday morning I taught our little neighborhood preschool. Tuesday night I went VT-ing and then again Wednesday morning. I meet with some of the neighborhood gals Tuesday, Wednesday night I went to a movie viewing with a bunch of my book club girls. Thursday I made dinner for a ward member (thanks for your help and company Janette) and then since their was so much of it, I shared with a couple others. Friday I went to Pioneer Memorial Theater with my parents and grandma that is in town from Canada. And then today I visited with Jen, a friend I spent the summer with. I am so grateful for a week with things to do. If not, who knows if I would spend my days in my jammies and for everyone to end up eating cereal three times a day. Yuck! It is much better this way.
I haven't really seen an improvement in my mood since starting Prozac on Monday but I think it is suppose to take some time. I have had the dull head ache everyday since, but I am still not sure what to blame that on. I am sleeping better. I still cry very easily. I have made more of an effort with the kids. I try not to snap and I give then the attention they need even when I don't feel like it. I am just a lot more aware. Hopefully I see the effects kick in soon. I am ready.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
My First Days on Prozac
I got a prescription for my hormones. Called Fluoxetine, it is the generic brand for Prozac. I picked this up on Monday afternoon and then after reading all the "literature" they sent me home with I decided I would take it just before I got into bed since I am suppose to take it at the same time everyday and the side effects often make you drowsy (or affect you adversely and make you wired). I have never taken any medication for anything except for antibiotics when I have some kind of infection or for pain just after having a baby. I didn't think I would have any hang ups about it. I guess I was wrong.
While standing at the sink filling up my glass I saw my reflection in the mirror and thought to myself, "how did I get here?" "do I really want to take this?" "are the side effects worth the benefits?" "how long will I have to be on medication?" "can't I just tough it out and do it without drugs?" The tears ran freely down my face and soaked my neck. I said a quick prayer for the strength to give myself relief. I knew my emotional response to the medication was directly related to my depression and so I turned from the mirror and took my first little blue and grey pill. It went down so easily I didn't even feel it in my trout. I turned out the light and got into bed. All night I tossed and turned. Waking every few hours wrestling with thoughts of how the medication could be changing me, how it could effect my baby. I woke in the morning neither feeling rested nor any more tired than I do normally. I tried to get done everything I would have liked to for the day and came up short as I do almost everyday now. I thought about the medication and talked about it with a couple friends. Then Tuesday night it came time to take the next one. I again cried while filling my glass with water but swallowed it right down. I slept better but not great. Both Tuesday and again today I have had a dull head ache. I don't know if it is a side effect to the medication, part of my pregnancy, or my lack of sleep but I cry because of that too.
It's so silly to cry over such small things. Which is exactly why I need this medication. I do not want to cry over every small little thing. I cry because my six year old tells me I am a mean mom, I cry because my mom calls and leaves me a message, I cry because my daughter asks for a snuggle and I don't have the strength to read a few books to her, I cry because my husband wants to go after talking to me on phone for a while, I cry because I seem to always be running late, I cry because my laundry feels as if it will never get caught up. I cry because I am not enough. I am going to continue taking the medication at least for two weeks. I want to stop crying and move into the light.
While standing at the sink filling up my glass I saw my reflection in the mirror and thought to myself, "how did I get here?" "do I really want to take this?" "are the side effects worth the benefits?" "how long will I have to be on medication?" "can't I just tough it out and do it without drugs?" The tears ran freely down my face and soaked my neck. I said a quick prayer for the strength to give myself relief. I knew my emotional response to the medication was directly related to my depression and so I turned from the mirror and took my first little blue and grey pill. It went down so easily I didn't even feel it in my trout. I turned out the light and got into bed. All night I tossed and turned. Waking every few hours wrestling with thoughts of how the medication could be changing me, how it could effect my baby. I woke in the morning neither feeling rested nor any more tired than I do normally. I tried to get done everything I would have liked to for the day and came up short as I do almost everyday now. I thought about the medication and talked about it with a couple friends. Then Tuesday night it came time to take the next one. I again cried while filling my glass with water but swallowed it right down. I slept better but not great. Both Tuesday and again today I have had a dull head ache. I don't know if it is a side effect to the medication, part of my pregnancy, or my lack of sleep but I cry because of that too.
It's so silly to cry over such small things. Which is exactly why I need this medication. I do not want to cry over every small little thing. I cry because my six year old tells me I am a mean mom, I cry because my mom calls and leaves me a message, I cry because my daughter asks for a snuggle and I don't have the strength to read a few books to her, I cry because my husband wants to go after talking to me on phone for a while, I cry because I seem to always be running late, I cry because my laundry feels as if it will never get caught up. I cry because I am not enough. I am going to continue taking the medication at least for two weeks. I want to stop crying and move into the light.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Give me drugs
My house is a mess.
I am emotionally unstable.
My kids all need baths.
I am stressed to the max.
When is this feeling going to end?
Either when I give birth or I get on medication.
I can't wait until birth so I am calling my Dr.
Here is to better days.
I am emotionally unstable.
My kids all need baths.
I am stressed to the max.
When is this feeling going to end?
Either when I give birth or I get on medication.
I can't wait until birth so I am calling my Dr.
Here is to better days.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Labor Day Weekend
For Labor day weekend we had a great time. Friday we got pizza and then everyone snuggled in my bed to watch a movie we rented. Saturday we got some work done in the yard and then went to a family birthday party. Sunday was church and then off to Payson Lakes for a bit of camping. We haven't been at all this summer (and didn't go last summer) so it was well past due. We met up with Landon and Jacey's family and Chance and Brooke's family which only makes these kind of things more fun. The kids had a great time eating hot dogs, fishing, shooting the BB gun, roasting marsh mellows, and getting DIRTY! I had a great time relaxing in such a beautiful country but my body did not agree with sleeping on the ground in a tent meant for four with Isabel and kicky-Peach as bed companions. Gentry ditched me half way through the night and slept in the car. Not cool. We had a great time.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
I Love You
Today thirteen years ago I was married.
That day started out pretty stressful. The power in the hotel we were staying at went out during the night so the alarm didn't go off. I was woken up by my soon to be sister in laws knocking on the door to see if my younger sisters wanted to walk over to the temple grounds with them while the wedding was going on. Needless to say, I was late. I think my mom, dad, and I were the last of the wedding guests to arrive at the temple. Their were other minor complications, but all of that faded to black once I was kneeing opposite Gentry and I felt the spirit's rush of emotion.
I knew the Lord was pleased with me and my desire to be there. I felt like I was having the most intimate moment of my relationship with Gentry up to that point and embarrassed that their were so many people there to observe it. I felt a connection with Gentry I had never felt with anyone and was so happy that the Lord was binding us together for eternity. It was a moment I will always remember.
I got lucky. Knowing what I know now, I went blindly into marriage. I had/have great role models in my parents. They have always been in love. They had arguments through out my growing up years, but they seemed to be only that. Arguments rather than fights. I never thought that they weren't committed to each other. They were married in the temple and they are going to be married for eternity. I also had a really great ward during my teen years that as far as I knew everyone was happily married. Looking around at all the families during sacrament meeting I would see benches filled with children of all ages with a mom and dad.
Marriage was something I looked foreword to and always figured it would work out. After only thirteen years I now pray that it will. I have now seen and heard too many couples where it didn't. It is always heart breaking.
I am in love with Gentry in a way that I couldn't have possibly been thirteen years ago. So here is my top thirteen reason why I am in love with this amazing man.
First and for most because he loves me. I am so lucky to have him put up with me every day for all these years. (My own mother can't do that) He loves me in spite of all of my short comings day in and day out. I felt lucky when he choose me, but after all this time I know I am truly blessed that he continues to choose me.
For the way he makes up for me. Where I end early, he finishes to the end. When I am not strong enough, or smart enough, or brave enough, or just enough, he is.
Because he works so hard to provide for us.
I am in love with Gentry because he wrestles with our boys. He gets down and plays with them. He connects with them in a way that is important to our family.
I am also in love with him because he makes my girls feel like he is their prince. Peaches knows that she is a princess, and she thinks that Daddy is her prince. He dances with her, he sings to her, he kisses the hurts, and reads her books. He tells her she is beautiful everyday and makes her feel special. Already he does the same for Isabel. I am sure our next girl will feel just as lucky.
He sacrifices for me. He will give up his desires for mine.
Because he cares about the people in his life. He really loves others, and that is quiet endearing.
I love him because he is a peacemaker. He is so good at seeing the other side. He is still trying to teach me how to say "I am sorry."
I love that he respects me. This summer I was too close to three different married men that disrespected their wives in a way that is shameful. I am so grateful that Gentry respects me enough not to carry on in a way that would make me embarrassed of him or our relationship.
I am in love with him because he still turns me on.
Because he is my biggest fan.
For his dreams. And because he lets me be a part of them.
I love Gentry because he leads our family in spirituality. His righteousness effects the rest of us. I am grateful that he desires to be closer to the Lord and takes steps to continue to be headed in that direction.
I know that Gentry never reads my blog. This post was really for me. I look forward to the day when I can look back at this and add to it 25 more years and reasons why.
That day started out pretty stressful. The power in the hotel we were staying at went out during the night so the alarm didn't go off. I was woken up by my soon to be sister in laws knocking on the door to see if my younger sisters wanted to walk over to the temple grounds with them while the wedding was going on. Needless to say, I was late. I think my mom, dad, and I were the last of the wedding guests to arrive at the temple. Their were other minor complications, but all of that faded to black once I was kneeing opposite Gentry and I felt the spirit's rush of emotion.
I knew the Lord was pleased with me and my desire to be there. I felt like I was having the most intimate moment of my relationship with Gentry up to that point and embarrassed that their were so many people there to observe it. I felt a connection with Gentry I had never felt with anyone and was so happy that the Lord was binding us together for eternity. It was a moment I will always remember.
I got lucky. Knowing what I know now, I went blindly into marriage. I had/have great role models in my parents. They have always been in love. They had arguments through out my growing up years, but they seemed to be only that. Arguments rather than fights. I never thought that they weren't committed to each other. They were married in the temple and they are going to be married for eternity. I also had a really great ward during my teen years that as far as I knew everyone was happily married. Looking around at all the families during sacrament meeting I would see benches filled with children of all ages with a mom and dad.
Marriage was something I looked foreword to and always figured it would work out. After only thirteen years I now pray that it will. I have now seen and heard too many couples where it didn't. It is always heart breaking.
I am in love with Gentry in a way that I couldn't have possibly been thirteen years ago. So here is my top thirteen reason why I am in love with this amazing man.
First and for most because he loves me. I am so lucky to have him put up with me every day for all these years. (My own mother can't do that) He loves me in spite of all of my short comings day in and day out. I felt lucky when he choose me, but after all this time I know I am truly blessed that he continues to choose me.
For the way he makes up for me. Where I end early, he finishes to the end. When I am not strong enough, or smart enough, or brave enough, or just enough, he is.
Because he works so hard to provide for us.
I am in love with Gentry because he wrestles with our boys. He gets down and plays with them. He connects with them in a way that is important to our family.
I am also in love with him because he makes my girls feel like he is their prince. Peaches knows that she is a princess, and she thinks that Daddy is her prince. He dances with her, he sings to her, he kisses the hurts, and reads her books. He tells her she is beautiful everyday and makes her feel special. Already he does the same for Isabel. I am sure our next girl will feel just as lucky.
He sacrifices for me. He will give up his desires for mine.
Because he cares about the people in his life. He really loves others, and that is quiet endearing.
I love him because he is a peacemaker. He is so good at seeing the other side. He is still trying to teach me how to say "I am sorry."
I love that he respects me. This summer I was too close to three different married men that disrespected their wives in a way that is shameful. I am so grateful that Gentry respects me enough not to carry on in a way that would make me embarrassed of him or our relationship.
I am in love with him because he still turns me on.
Because he is my biggest fan.
For his dreams. And because he lets me be a part of them.
I love Gentry because he leads our family in spirituality. His righteousness effects the rest of us. I am grateful that he desires to be closer to the Lord and takes steps to continue to be headed in that direction.
I know that Gentry never reads my blog. This post was really for me. I look forward to the day when I can look back at this and add to it 25 more years and reasons why.
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